...

why are we embarrassed by silence
what comfort do we find in all the noise

i ♥ my macarons

to forever more

LOVE, like rain, can nourish from above,

drenching couples with a soaking joy.

But sometimes, under the angry heat of life,

love dries on the surface and must nourish from below,

tending to its roots, keeping itself alive...

♥

T.G.I.Friday (:

whisperers ♥

Do Not Read This

well, obviously youre not heeding the advice given cos youre still reading it anw. ok, i got a feeling this is gna be a longgggg one. i was reviewing my previous few blog posts and realised they were mostly rant posts. posts tht are a lil too heavy-hearted. i feel ive been doing alot of deep thinking nowadays... oh well, blame it on my rhythmic everyday life -wake up->prep for work-->travel abt an hr to work-->9hrs@work(5hrs on fb-msn-daydreaming)-->travel abt an hr home-->eat.sleep- which gives me lots of time and space tht greatly facilitate my ponderings, or rather, reflections of life. my mind is constantly filled with so many uncertainties,maybes,what-ifs,shld-bes and decisions to make...its so overwhelming. im in my very chaotic state of mind now and i have simply no idea where/how to start pieceing them tgt,in an orderly manner. rrr is this a mid-life crisis or whatev? haha i suspect so. esp after im told im less of an optimist now and more grumpy twds life. i dont get how the systems come abt in life or in SG. why is it tht ppl says a degree is nth more than a piece of paper and all tht rlly matters is your capabilities and adaptabilities in the job but yet, everyone is competing for a space in uni? havent we all heard tht a bulk of the millionaires are school drop-outs w/o even a cert on hand? do we not want to be a millionaire? or we just have no guts to walk the unconventional route? why is it tht ppl cant rmb most of what they have learnt in school within years or even months after they have graduated and yet grades are so valued? i feel so sorry tht we are living under such monotonous and reigned-in lifestyles. everything seems to be moulded in a way tht we are all following the same path-a path tht leads to wealth and status;the journey shrouded with greed,selfishness,competition and lacking compassion. pardon my extreme pessimism; id probably get ungraded for GP writing in such gross generalisation haha. But see, its after As alr-who caresssss!? :P


As such, w.r.t to the above, im encrypting this to my brain and its to be tattoo-ed on my heart. This being the ability and determination to pursue what i rlly want/how i rlly want to spend my life;to avoid being a slave to money$;to lead a meaningful life filled with graciousness,appreciation and whole-heartedness. yes.


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i very much want to study abroad. i want to get out of SG and experience the world, out of my comfort zone-not the holiday kind of experience-but beyond. hmm howwwever, there are so many pros and cons to be weighed and other considerations like the financial expenses, the school, quality of the degree, lodging and most imptly, the independence required. im v reliant on my family and friends..so idk how ready i am to live,study,eat,sleep on my own. Not tht im gna be a loner and not make friends there, but itll be different...right? i want vibrancy and eye-openers in my university edu and i wonder if the local unis can provide tht though as good as they may sound to be on their websites, it may just be a good 3 whole years of mugging and doing pretentious contributions to the community :\ Actually, ive always look forward to attending the local universities. From primary school, ive thought tht everyone will go to a secondary school,then junior college and then NUS. did you think like tht too? haha now i know its not all tht simplified and this juncture of our lives seem to be like the crossroads and we are right smack in the middle of it. the only difference is tht crossroads have only 4 ways to go whereas we are faced with many. hmm...

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From the length of this post, you can tell how slack am i at work today. heheh. and wow. youre so patient to have read my large pool of ungathered thoughts till here. (: its funny how i used to hate wordy posts and ill just scroll all the way down till i see pictures but now i kinda like wordy thoughful posts tht make me think and let me have a glimpse of how others think. hmm, its good bcos i always read blogs in my office and picture-ful posts wld be too eye-cataching. lol. ill be gg to Dempsey Hills after work for dinner with the whisperers ♥
1/2 an hr more!

will you colour my tomorrows, like bright yellow meadows?

When you believe

Despite the anxiety tht robbed me of my breath a few hrs before, i was nonetheless calm and compose walking into the school hall. The great achievements tht 09' meridians accomplished as announced by Ms Lai made me shiver from the accelerated blood rush and i felt proud of my school despite knowing tht i wldnt be one of those wiping their tears of joy while shaking Ms Lai's hands. The longgg list of As-scorers made my palms numb from clapping and finally...when its finally the time to receive our result slips, my promise to myself tht i will not cry felt weak all of a sudden. I struggled with the weak side of me and as i held on tightly to my faced-down result slip, all my courage seemed to have disappeared. Nth was able to make me turn those slip over-I simply lack the guts and i was laughing at myself...It was only after countless encouragements and persuasion tht i decided id have to face it sooner or later. Be brave, Camille and with tht, i took a peek of my grades. To my surprise, all were above expectations(except frking econs)! For someone who has been getting 'U's more than half the time in college; for someone who has been given never-ending advice on how she needs to start working hard as jumping more than 2 grades from prelims to a lvls was a rare sight, this was enough and i can say, im quite glad alr cos my grades have leapt far more than 2 grades-i was the rare sight! haha. Though econs did disappoint me(i.officially.hate.econs), chem,math and geog didnt let me down...im satisfied. Thankyou Tchers for all your guidance and patience. Youre greatly appreciated (:

Now, ive to give some serious thought as to what i rlly wna do in future and where wld suit me well.....

SMUNUSNTU

Butterflies in my tummy *

credits: hueglue.

results.are.gna.be.out.tmr.im.scared.i.cant.sit.still.

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE let my grades be good enough for me to be satiated.

I know you wont be reading this...

I sense a change in you. from your facial expressions;from your words;from your attitude;from your body.

You cant cheat me ive known you for so long. I may not be the one who understands you the most but being able to read each other's mind sometimes, I believe, is testament of our liquid-to-solid friendship. Im puzzled. What is the reason for you being like this? being so.....cold. being so lack of concern and cynical. Why? I wished youd voiced it out rather than just let it be. It didnt do any good with you keeping mum... I hope we can go back to before soon. To times when Im so comfortable with you. Youre always the first person I go to when Im faced with disturbing situations and needed advice and youd always be there. But this time, i feel like youve faced away. Im at a loss. Its like the connection btw us have broken. I dont wna lose you, I treasure you so much, do you know? I hope im wrong..but maybe.....I just weigh far much lighter in your heart than you are in mine.

And friends are friends forever?

I wna be hopeful but I dont want disappointment

Making choices is one thing tht i dread rather much. Its queer cos dont ppl always say having a choice beats having no choice at all? Idk why, but for me, Id rather I dont have to choose and things will still turn out pretty alright. I guess this is largely due to my indecisiveness and fear of making the wrong choice. I cld rlly belong to the most indecisive lot of the world sometimes. and I feel this was in me since birth. I rmb daddy teling me tht on my first bday, Mommy sat me down on the floor with 4 diff things spread out in front of me-writing pens,colourful paintbrushes,money & toys. Whichever I picked is supposed to depict what will my inclination be in future. and daddy says I reached out to all of them! See what I meant! Though eventually I chose the money and toys to play with, it still portrays the lack of strong judgement. This may be a gross conclusion and too harsh on a one-year-old? but well, this is still instilled in me at 18 :/ Im still swaying with influences and my "Ive made up my mind" was nv 100% confident. I hate tht im always having second thoughts and its tearing me up sometimes. I struggle to make a decision and regret after its been decided. URGH D:
Anyhow, I sense the urgency to correct it or somehow twitch it before Friday comes. Its a big day where Ill have to make impt decisions cos its gna be a major turning point in my life and i cant afford to steer in the wrong direction,can I ? Soooo, I need to start thinking and start planning alr(yes i havent) but how? i dont even dare think abt it. H.O.W!

Give me a way